Two Lovers by Araceli Ramirez

“I love you” those were the words John said after he threatened me to stay. I met John in the summer of my junior year of high school. He was tall, athletic, and charming. Who he was, seemed to be a social butterfly, always full of joy, and almost as if he had no care in the world; I think what attracted me the most was how confident he was with himself. Now at times he might have been cocky but he’d only make those egotistical comments around me as if he didn’t want others to truly know who he was.

 Later that following morning I went with Ben to grab a coffee. I always got black with a packet of Splenda unlike Ben where he’d get an iced vanilla latte with an extra sugar pack or pump of vanilla. Although Ben was slightly more socially awkward than me he was never ashamed to order for the both of us. Ben was polite and very well mannered, he always opened the doors for me, moved my chairs and pushed me in, and he always listened. Ben was a good friend to talk to about my situations, he never made me feel judged but he made me feel heard. I really did enjoy moments like this. We talked until noon because he had an appointment, we walked along the sidewalk, shared one simple hug, and went our own ways.

 Ben’s birthday was tomorrow, I was full of excitement as John noticed he grew full of anger. “Why are you happy for another man’s birthday? It’s just another day for the both of us.” Ben was just a friend but in moments like this that information meant nothing. To keep myself from other bruises or verbal distress, I apologize. Well of course it’s my fault for having joy for another man; I shouldn’t be disrespectful to this relationship I am in. As I quietly finished putting up the white streamers and red balloons it was an hour before the clock struck 12; Ben called me.

 “I have less than 2 months.” Those were the words that I answered the phone to. Ben was diagnosed with colon cancer a few months back. This moment felt so unreal, he came over shortly as we cried in one another’s arms from that prior diagnosis and I for knowing my heart will always yearn for him. Have you ever missed someone that’s not dead? Although he’s not gone..yet my heart aches for him. This night was supposed to be a celebration for life and yet was gifted for his death, we made the most of it as we could.

With the weeks flying by, John’s and my arguments growing worse, Ben’s health progressively declining. It was time for change. On this particular night John was sleeping. I saw the time 03 on the clock, I was packing all my clothes in bags as quickly as I could. 04 All my bags were loaded in the car. 04:05 I left my note beside John in the place where he wanted me in. 04:06 my key powered the car. 04:07 I’m down the road. 04:08 my phone rings, it’s Ben. 04:09 “I’m in the hospital”. 05 I’m on my way. 05:30 there he was, his lifeless body was a peach rose in hand and note. I was late. I was a moment too late. He’s gone. My heart sank to the ground, a warm stream of tears dropped from my eyes unsure which was worse: the loss of my friend or the toxic relationship I was in. The nurses explained that he waited and in the final moments he asked for a note to be written and a peach rose to be retrieved. I sat with him.. his lifeless body until they informed me I must go, grabbed my items, and went on my ways.

 As I sat in my car I looked over my shoulder and the note was staring back at me. As I grabbed the note I took a deep breath before I read “you were my everything. I loved the way your honey brown eyes glowed in the sun, the way your smile could light up a room, how soothing your voice was in moments of silence. You brought my confidence out in moments of fear, I suppose when saying “black with a packet of Splenda” I never felt ill at ease because you were always there. You’re such a beautiful, loving, and kind soul Avery please bring yourself peace. With all the moments that we shared I think I lived a lifetime waiting for the proper moment to say, I love you. I love you every moment and second until my weak heart stops beating and when the sky paints peach be reminded of me.. I love you, Ben ”

 Love wasn’t the way John hit me.

Love was the way Ben listened to me.

Love wasn’t John screaming at me.

 Love was Ben observing me.

 Love wasn’t John manipulating me

Love was Ben doing a task he knew I was capable of.

 Love was Ben making me feel heard

 Love was Ben not judging me.

Love was Ben.

 Love was ben

 Love was

 Love

 I love you.